Feel the Rythm

At 7:15 am this morning, I'll be leaving on a jet plane to Jamaica. Well, that's not completely true. I'll technically be flying to Atlanta, and then boarding a new plane that will (hopefully) arrive in Montego Bay. Experienced travelers like myself generally refer to this process as a "connection" or "layover."

But enough with the esoteric terminology. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey Will, isn't it kinda pathetic that you're going on Spring Break even though you are no longer a college student? Might you be desperately grasping for the comforts of a bygone period in your life? And what the hell are you 'breaking' from anyway?"

All fair points, smart guy. In response, allow me to present a comparative anecdote about someone you possibly know. This person was tall, dark, handsome, and beloved -- just as I was in college. After ascending to the top of his profession, he felt he had nothing left to prove; he had accomplished everything he ever wanted to. Having lost his competitive desire, he kindly decided to retire at the tender age of 30. Under remarkably similar circumstances, I elected to graduate from higher education; however, I was much younger than the man in question -- I happened to conquer life's obstacles by the time I was 21.

After a few years, our humble protagonist redeveloped his passion and boldly stepped out of the shadow of retirement. There was a brief adjustmental period, but the man quickly regained his unparalleled ability and once again reached the zenith of his world. He recaptured the respect of his peers as well as his adversaries. His legions of fans were euphoric, as their icon would forever live in their dreams and memories. Alas, he was not a man; he was larger than life.

That man's name was Michael Jeffrey Jordan. And he parlayed all of his success into a lucrative advertising campaign for Hanes. Today he shares the national spotlight with luminaries such as Kevin Bacon, Charlie Sheen, and Cuba Gooding Jr. (look for him in the upcoming feature, It Comes in Handy!)

Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the j-j-j-j-jury, if His Airness can retire from basketball and later return to win another three championships, then I can rekindle my collegiate lifestyle and go to Jamaica for Spring fucking Break. The defense rests. I'll be joining Zen Master, Scottie, Kukoc, Dennis the Menace, Luc Longley, and all the rest. Peace!

[Editor's Note: For the next week, direct all complaints, criticisms, and hate mail to Chuck. Thank you.]

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