Garry Buckman-Lampkin: The Adult Years

During a brief visit to Queens that included access to a glorious myriad of movie channels, I stumbled across one of my favorites, Parenthood. In terms of comedy-dramas that explore domestic challenges with an optimistic but honest perspective, this film was ahead of its time. Before 1989, you probably didn't witness many scenes that culminated with a middle-aged woman's vibrator being accidentally revealed in a room full of children. Oh Ron Howard, you visionary comic genius!

The ensemble cast was headlined by Steve Martin, Dianne Wiest, Mary Steenburgen, Rick Moranis, and Jason Robards (who, beginning with this role, embarked upon the Reflective Curmudgeon phase of his career). But the most fascinating character might have been Garry, Wiest's distant and secretive 13-year old son.

Throughout the opening act, we see Garry quietly retreating to his room, ignoring overtures that inquire about his personal well-being, padlocking his door, and protectively carrying around a paper bag of tenebrous association. Basically, he's pretty fucked up -- in no small part because his father abandoned the family for a new woman.

As the plot unfolds, we learn that the mysterious paper bag contains a healthy collection of porno tapes (not drugs, to his mother's relief), and Garry has been jerking off as if there's no tomorrow. Fortunately, he finds a positive male influence in his older sister's dimwitted boyfriend Todd (appropriately played by Keanu Reeves, who was still in the Ted Theodore Logan phase of his career). Garry receives much-needed assurance that his behavior is perfectly normal: "That's what little...dudes...do," explains Keanu, before going to band practice with the Wild Stallions.

Garry was portrayed by a precocious young actor named Leaf Phoenix, who had changed his name to "Leaf" perhaps to align himself with his older brother, River Phoenix. Of course, shortly after filming Parenthood he reverted back to his birth name -- the name you're more likely to recognize -- Joaquin Phoenix. That's two-time Academy Award Nominee Joaquin Phoenix.

Anyway, I've often wondered how Garry would have turned out if his character arc didn't require him to overcome his pubescent confusion with the improbable help of Keanu. Would he have been aloof and disinterested as an adult? Defensive, creepy, and generally unkempt? Inexplicably BFF's with Casey Affleck?? It was a compelling hypothetical. And with Joaquin Phoenix's surreal retirement announcement, burgeoning hip-hop career, and bizarre appearance on David Letterman, I finally have my answer.

[Editor's Note: Joaquin Phoenix retired from acting to pursue a career in music, NOT to masturbate incessantly in his bedroom. Keanu Reeves could not be reached (around) for comment.]