On Wednesday, Roberto Alomar's ex-girlfriend filed a lawsuit alleging that Alomar conveniently forgot to wear his Gold Glove: during their relationship, he apparently insisted on having unprotected sex despite his being HIV positive. Yes, I know -- it's hard to believe that the same philanthropist who once spit in the face of an umpire would demonstrate such flagrant indiscretion in the bedroom. On the bright side, at least Robbie receives a temporary reprieve from the clubhouse whispers that once accused him of, you know, hitting to the opposite field.
The lesson: Roberto Alomar is a selfish lover.
In other baseball news, I find no pleasure in piling on the A-Roid bandwagon. If anything, the latest chapter in the steroid saga proves that all fans live in glass houses. After all, if the highest-profile player of his generation was guilty of using performance enhancers, then chances are some of the best players on your favorite team were involved as well.
Let's take Mike Piazza, for example. The hero of my youth, Piazza was a 62nd round draft pick who was only selected because Tommy LaSorda was doing a favor for his father. Five years later, Mr. Hetereosexual improbably burst onto the national scene with a sensational Rookie of the Year campaign and an even more sensational fu manchu.Over the next decade, Piazza cemented himself as the best offensive catcher in the history of baseball. Somewhat suspicious, right? PED usage might also explain why he had mysterious muscle injuries later in his career while his performance in the field declined to the point where he resembled Robert De Niro at the end of Bang the Drum Slowly. Just sayin'.
The lesson: "Loosey Goosey" will be the most overused fantasy baseball team name of 2009.
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." Among those disappointed parties will be Mike Francesa, who reportedly had quite the humbling Super Bowl experience. According to Howard Stern and corroborated by Chris Russo, Francesa felt he was the biggest broadcaster (in terms of personality, not girth) at the event and therefore too important to attend Radio Row, a pre-arranged meeting area for players and media members. Instead, Francesa rented out a nearby hotel lobby, expecting the players to walk eight blocks just to interview with him. Not surprisingly (or perhaps predictably), nobody showed up.
The lesson: The smaller the mind the greater the conceit.
Newest addition to the ever-expanding list of Worst Ideas Ever: ranked slightly ahead of 'Prohibition' and right behind 'Blazers draft Sam Bowie,' we now have the DOA remake of Bonnie & Clyde. Your stars? None other than Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers (of Air Bud fame ... no, seriously), an onscreen couple that shall henceforth be known as Box Office Poison.
Although the escalating feud between Faye Dunaway and Lizzy Maguire offers it's own self-perpetuating amusement, the oversaturation of remakes is just so utterly disheartening. Hollywood has it all wrong. The studios would have you believe that remaking a film serves as an homage original. In truth, it's no different than making an "homage" to Heath Ledger by digging up his lifeless body and reenacting scenes from Brokeback Mountain.
Sure, it makes perfect sense financially to repackage old classics and generate millions of dollars; people are stupid, so it's basically free money. From an artistic standpoint, however, it's completely backwards. Instead of bastardizing beloved material, remake the bad movies that had potential to be excellent. I'd rather see Universal take another shot at Waterworld (or something comparably awful) than bear witness to the atrocity of Godfather Remastered, starring Nic Cage as Don Corleone, Jerry Ferrara as Michael, Jon Bon Jovi as Sonny, Ralph Macchio as Fredo, Hayden Christensen as Tom Hagen, Horatio Sanz as Clemenza, Zac Efron as Jonny Fontane, and John Cena as Luca Brasi.
And yes, I engineered that Godfather hypothetical with the sole purpose of causing Chuck's head to explode.
The lesson: Nothing is sacred.
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Hahahaha. The thought of a Godfather remake in general kills me, but the thought of one with those actors is just too much.
ReplyDeleteBut nice idea on remaking movies with potential instead of butchering classics. I think that's a great idea.