Unscripted

Sometimes I wonder if Facebook controls our lives. Since evolving from an exclusive network of college students to an all-inclusive internet party, it has seemingly established itself as the one-stop shop for social capitol.

This might explain the enthusiastic fascination with Facebook's newest craze: listing 25 random facts about yourself, and then forwarding your list to 25 friends. Each of your 25 friends are required to advance their own 25 random facts to 25 different people, lest they be tarred and feathered by the Facebook Police.

You get the idea. It's Six Degrees of Separation (the sociological concept, not the movie) crossed with the Pay It Forward (the movie, not the financial transaction). Malcolm Gladwell could probably write a 300-page dissertation exploring this phenomenon.

Anyway, I recently encountered a different meme that certainly has potential to rapidly propagate throughout the Facebook community. If you have ever attempted to construct the soundtrack to your life, look no further -- Facebook has kindly provided a format that, with the assistance of iTunes and randomness, can effectively answer your cinematic conundrum...


Soundtrack of Your Life

Instructions:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
7. No cheating and doctoring your list to make yourself look cooler than the person you took this from



WILL POWER -- THE UPLIFTING TALE OF A HANDSOME IMPRESARIO THAT OVERCAME A LITTANY OF OBSTACLES TO ASCEND FROM HIS HUMBLE MIDDLE CLASS ORIGINS TO THE SPLENDOR AND AUTHORITY OF AN ONLINE BLOG

by
Facebook, iTunes, and Sly Whitman


Opening Credits: Purple Rain by Prince & The Revolution

When His Purple Majesty was composing this epic ballad in the summer of 1983, I doubt he expected it to resurface in the biopic of an unborn white guy some 26 years later. Nonetheless, Purple Rain offers an emotional introduction to my life; I suppose the film's establishing shot features me purifying myself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.

Random Fact: Purple Rain won the Oscar for Best Original Song Score at the 57th Academy Awards.


First Day at School: I Knew I Loved You by Savage Garden

In my experience people generally don't encounter their soulmates in kindergarten, yet who am I to disagree with the unassailable doctrine of Facebook (and iTunes)? After all, as The Savage Gardeners tell us, "Maybe it's intuition / But some things you just don't question." On the other hand, if this is my movie, then we have to replace Kirsten Dunst with someone remotely likable.

Random Fact: Savage Garden vocalist Darren Hayes looks so damn cute in the music video. Sorry girls, he's married ...to another man.


Breaking Up: Ramblin' Man by The Allman Brothers

I always thought this song was about a drifter that cannot exist in a static reality. His entire life has been characterized by transience: he was born in the backseat of Greyhound bus rollin' down Highway 41 (presumably in Georgia), he plans to travel from Nashville to New Orleans, his only home is the road, etc. Sounds like a pretty happy guy for someone who's routinely unemployed, functionally homeless, and apparently now single.

Random Fact: Despite it's devilish difficulty, I typically play Ramblin' Man on Rock Band 2 at least twice per day (once again setting the high score on the Cool-o-Meter). Perhaps my fictional girlfriend broke-up with me because I spent too much time playing the game and not enough time devoting attention to her feminine needs. Another case of art imitating life.


Prom: You Get What You Give by New Radicals

A quintessential 90's anthem about the scintillating virtues of (righteously) friendship and (curiously) anti-consumerism. I've never been able to reconcile the back end of the bridge section, but the lyrics "You're in harm's way / I'm right behind / Now say you're mine" might summarize a common prom experience.

Random Fact: If memory serves, unnamed members of our high school class were 13 minutes late to the Senior Prom. As punishment, they had to report to detention at 8:00 AM the following morning, where they were held for exactly 13 minutes. The lesson? You get what you give.


Sex Scene: Renegade by Jay-Z feat. Eminem

This particular sex scene is actually a gang-rape.

Random Fact: Neither Jay-Z nor Eminen are rapists. To my knowledge.


Life's Ok: International Statement by NFL Primetime

Oh baby. Life is most definitely okay. Football enthusiasts might remember International Statement as highlight music on ESPN's estimable "NFL Primetime," which was inexplicably taken off the air and converted into disconnected segments on Sportscenter broadcasts. Chronologically, this happened shortly after Chris Berman became a caricature of himself and right before he lost 41 lbs. on NurtiSystem.

In the movie, the song would accompany my limitless supply of sports highlights. Consolidating the hours of footage into one inspirational montage will be a tremendous challenge for the filmmakers.

Random Fact: International Statement = audio-cocaine.


Mental: Let There Be Love by Oasis

I guess it's appropriate that my favorite band makes an appearance on the soundtrack, but what exactly does "mental" mean? Does the character have a breakdown and wind up in a straitjacket? Sounds like an unpleasant plot twist.

Random Fact: One of the few songs where Liam and Noel Gallagher share the lead vocals. Fitting, because both of them are certifiably crazy by one measure or another.


Flashback: Boogie on Reggae Woman by Stevie Wonder

Trapped in a room with padded walls? Isolated from the world and imprisoned by your thoughts? Cheer up! How about a funky flashback to the smoldering 70's?! Perfect for my life story, especially since I was born in 1986. No worries -- on Facebook, anachronistic errors are encouraged.

Random Fact: You are black. I am white. Life's an Eskimo Pie, let's take a bite!


Getting Back Together: 10 Crack Commandments by Notorious B.I.G.

Awesome song, wrong scene. Maybe if Whitney and Bobby were getting back together.

Random Fact: Experts agree -- money and blood don't mix, like two dicks and no bitch.


Wedding: Invisible Touch by Genesis

I would love to play this at my wedding. Fuck yeah. Although it was a #1 hit in the United States, Invisible Touch has been unfairly overlooked during the 80's revival. I blame Phil Collins, who has sustained cultural relevance through Oscar nominations and ubiquitous Miami Vice reruns. In doing so, he has somewhat overshadowed the seminal work of his original band, Genesis, much to the chagrin of superfan Patrick Bateman.

Random Fact: For more information on Phil Collins and Genesis, please refer to the film American Psycho (2000).


Birth of Child: Ayo Technology by 50 Cent feat. Justin Timberlake

Uh oh. Looks like my child is destined to be a stripper. Just like her mother.

Random Fact: Contrary to Chuck's passionate feelings, J.T. is not the best entertainer in the world. That title belongs to Chris Brown, master of hand-to-hand combat and all-around class act.


Falling in Love: Late Nite Tip by Three 6 Mafia

A classic American love story. Girl loves Boy. Boy prefers late-night unemotional sexual trysts. Girl desires romatic monogamy. Boy flips the proverbial script and goes to his other "freaks." Ripped from the pages of my life.

Random Fact: Similar to Prince, Three 6 Mafia has won the Oscar for Best Original Song. As Jon Stewart pointed out, it just got a little easier out here for a pimp.


Final Battle: Backstreets by Bruce Springsteen

This would only be the absolute coolest battle sequence ever.

Random Fact: According to the YouTube clip, Silvio Dante is alive and well.


Death Scene: All or Nothing by O-Town

Who better to follow The Boss than the second-rate Backstreet Boys imitation from Orlando? If my death is complemented by this song, then I must have received the "nothing" part of the ultimatum. Or maybe I deserved to die for having O-Town in my library.

Random Fact: All or Nothing was the group's most successful hit and it emerged as a fixture at school dances; however, the lead single from their eponymous debut album was actually a song called "Liquid Dreams," which was about precisely what you think it's about.


Funeral Scene: If You Want My Love by Cheap Trick

Nice. You can forever access my love from beyond the grave. To live in the hearts of those we leave behind is not to die.

Random Fact: If a Cheap Trick song had to be played for my funeral, I'm glad it was this one and not the 1977 chart-topper "I Want You to Want Me." That would be ominous, and, frankly, I don't need necrophilic fantasies tarnishing my legacy.


End Credits: Between the Sheets by The Isley Brothers

Gettin' sexy!

Random Fact: I love it when you call me Big Poppa.


DELETED SCENE -- For the sake of symmetry, allow me to end this story at the place where it all began: Prince & The Revolution...

Dave Chapelle: Prince plays basketball - watch more funny videos

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