For example, the top movie at the box office is He's Just Not That Into You (scroll down to read Chuck's impassioned review), which has grossed something like $60 million and counting. I haven't seen it and probably won't see it in the near future, but I'd be willing to bet Chuck's authentic Wayne Chrebet jersey that it's beyond terrible.
Nonetheless, I'm equally certain that a sizable contingent -- quite possibly larger than the group of detractors -- absolutely loved it. Loved it so much that they activated their mobile phones and enthusiastically added it to 'Favorite Movies' on Facebook before the credits rolled. I can understand why: never has a movie been so intently aware of its target demographic and the surrounding technological culture. As a result, He's Just Not That Into You is less of a film and more of a carefully crafted post-modern marketing vehicle. The filmmakers might as well have named the characters after the actors who played them.
I'm not the first person to suggest that Hollywood's artistic integrity has been compromised by commercial endeavors; however, a negative trend exists and He's Just Not That Into You has authoritatively raised the bar (or lowered the bar, depending on your perspective). Enough, I say. Hey, you wouldn't let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz?! Yeeeeaaaah.
With the future of American cinema hanging in the balance, I'm here to rescue Hollywood from its own self-inflicted demise by injecting fresh blood into the creative collective. Listed below are award-winning movie concepts that will undoubtedly fill the seats with eager audiences and line the studios' pockets with money...
Movies that should be being made
Jackie Offerman is a masseuse who hates misogynists; she's a neo-feminist who loves Drew Barrymore, despises Drew Carey, and merely tolerates Nancy Drew. Her abusive alcoholic father demands that she become a cheerleader. "Pretty girls become cheerleaders and date football stars," he snarls while "Jack and Diane" plays in the background. Jackie has other plans. She aspires to become the finest massuese in the world, touching people's souls when she touches their bodies.
She moves to New York to chase her dreams, but there's one BIG raging mega-huge problem: she refuses to finish the proverbial job, much to the dissatisfaction of her male clients. That's right, men (BOOOOOOOOO!) -- the same species that borishly marginalized her ambitions and thoughtlessly tried to force her into antiquated social roles. Jackie quickly learns that in a male-dominated world, you cannot get ahead if you won't do the flirty work and the dirty work.Just when the world seems totally unforgiving, Jackie meets Nicki, a disgraced celebrity masseuse who insists on taking Jackie under her wing. Around the same time, Jackie begins dating Duracell, a charming and intellectual black man. He possesses a controlled sensitivity that makes her reconsider her previous disdain of men (BOOOOOOOOOOOO!).
Over in the massage parlor, Nicki reveals a plethora of effective techniques, notably the fabled but elusive Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yet an embarrassing secret -- the same secret that inspired Nicki's premature ejection from the industry -- threatens their friendship. Can Jackie swallow her pride, conquer her fear, and rise to the top of the masseuse profession? Will she and Nicki resolve their differences? Will Duracell be anything more than a forgettable token character?
It's a coming-of-age tale that teaches us to overcome the hardest challenges, especially when they're staring straight at us. After all, even the saddest of beginnings deserve the happiest of endings.
(Coyote Ugly x 10 Things I Hate About You x Karate Kid) / (The Next Karate Kid + Sex and Lucia)
Working title: It Comes in Handy
Alternative title: Handle with Care
Tagline: Grab life by the horn(s).
Starring
Katherine Heigl as Jackie Offerman
Carmen Electra as Nicki Cummings
Cuba Gooding Jr. as Duracell the sensitive boyfriend
and co-starring Nic Cage as Sal the abusive father
__________
This next premise was engineered by our old friend/co-worker/confidant Ted, who once upon a time teamed up with Chuck and myself to form a champion Jeopardy trio at The Academy. I apologize if I mixed up the particulars and over-dramatized the rest.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
Former CIA Agent Joltin' John Kilpatrick turned in his badge and his gun for a white collar and a backstage pass to Heaven. He no longer wants to dedicate his life to the criminal underworld. Father John would rather be an agent of God.
...the courage to change the things I can...
Shortly after joining the priesthood, Father John gets assigned to a small church in Canon, Louisianna. Everything seems normal. A little tooooooo normal. Deep beneath the surface of the church lies a dark, disturbing reality: the order of nuns are not sweet daughters of divinity, but rather heartless evildoers who use their clergy status to pollute the masses. Assassins that kill for money (and for sport). Drug-dealers that sling rocks for money (but not for sport). Kidnappers that abduct schoolchildren (for neither money nor sport but for staffing purposes). And, worst of all, anyone who enters the church has too options: (1) drink the Kool-Aid and join the operation, or (2) refuse to conform and ...die....and the wisdom to know the difference ... [COCKS SHOTGUN] ... Amen.
Father John just chose option number 2, but he has intelligent designs on living. He has to stop the Twisted Sisters. He's not gonna take it. No - he ain't gonna take it. He's not gonna take it ... anymore. In the name of the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.
The story culminates in an epic showdown between Father John and the sinister nuns. One man against an empire. Prepare for a deliriously violent battle sequence that makes Shoot 'Em Up look like Bring It On Again. Father John must gun down all of his enemies in order to achieve salvation and restore the eternal virtue of the church. Pray for us all.
Sister Act [Hot Fuzz (Sister Act 2 / Doubt)] + (Scarface x Kill Bill / The Da Vinci Code + Boondock Saints)
Working title: Bad Habits
Tagline: Nun the wiser.
Starring
Nic Cage as Father John Kilpatrick
Sharon Stone as Sister Hellen (Evil Nun #1)
Madonna as Sister Christian (Evil Nun #2)
Danity Kane as Twisted Sisters (Evil Nuns #3-7)
with Whoopi Goldberg as Herself
and Morgan Freeman as God
__________
The years of solitude and immortality have taken their toll on Dracula; he's demoralized, bitter, and alone. Blood has never tasted so ...isolating.
Struggling with the mid-life crisis, Dracula decides he wants to become cool and hip and fetch. He travels from Transylvania to Southern California and attempts to undertake the hippest, coolest, and fetchest activity there is: surfing. Cowabunga!The quirky local crowd makes fun, laughing at Dracula's pale complexion, one-piece bathing suit, and SPF-40,000 sun tan lotion. The ocean hasn't seen teeth like that since Jaws. But Dracula masters the art of surfing, rides giants, wins over his naysayers, gets the girl, and reconnects with his long-lost daughter ... only to find out that she's in love with his dreamy surf instructor. Uh oh!
It's a slapstick romantic comedy that shows that adventurousness can wipe out centuries-old sadness. With the right mindset, the enchanting Pacific waters can revitalize anyone, including history's most controversial outcast.
(Interview with a Vampire + American Beauty) / Blue Crush.
Working title: Fang 10
Alternative title: Pretty Fly for a Bite Guy
Tagline: Surf's up!
Starring
Nic Cage as Dracula
Paul Walker as Stroker the surf instructor
Hayden Panettierre as Long-Lost Dracula Offspring
with Vin Diesel as Frankenstein
and Nic Cage as Abraham Van Helsing
[Editor's Note: This post was submitted via Drew Barrymore's iPhone.]
_
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment