About Shirley - FAQ

Salutations.

After failing to update the blog for an entire month, we thought we owed the readers an explanation. And while we're explaining ourselves, we'd like to take this opprtunity to answer some other frequently asked questions that may or may not be on your mind. Fire away!

Where the fuck have you jerkfaces been and why haven't you tried to entertain me since February?

Everything in good time, and please - keep the profanity to a minimum. Pejoratives are the currency of scoundrels.

To answer your question, Will went to Jamaica because he's emotionally unequipped to responsibly reliniquish the vestiges of his youth. Upon returning to the mainland, he spent several weeks bed-ridden with an undefined sexually-transmitted illness. With God on his side, he has blessedly made a full recovery.

Chuck, on the other hand, has abandoned the blogosphere altogether and migrated to the greener pastures of Twitter. You can follow him under his new alias, Kobe24SuperFan4Eva. He spends his free time developing a finger-painting collage that commemorates the forbidden love affair between Vito Spatafore and Jim "Johnny Cakes" Witowski.

How did you two meet? Tell us your story.

Ah, memories. Hard to believe, but it's been almost nine years since Will heroically rescued Chuck from the bullies at Christian Brothers Academy.

With tears in his eyes and shame in his heart, Chuck thought he was doomed to a freshman year of torture. But at the darkest hour, Will saved the day with his disarming brand of karate, mind games, and dry wit.

The bullies would never bother young Chuck again. As gratitude for saving both his life and his high school reputation, Chuck has forever pledged to be Will's personal servant, Facebook friend, and Madden opponent.

Are "Chuck" and "Will" pseudonyms for famed sports/pop culture writers Chuck Klosterman and William 'Bill' Simmons?

Unfortunately, no. But if it will inspire to continue reading, then yes.

Yup, these are my readers.

What are you sports allegiences?

Indeed, we are enemies. Will worships at the cathedral of Giants/Mets, whereas Chuck annually deepens his depression by supporting the Yankees and Jets.

We understand that you two have squared off in Madden. How did that go?

All joking aside, we have battled only once on the virtual gridiron: Madden Tournament 2004. Championship Game. Jets vs. Giants.

With immortality at stake, the G-Men raced to an early 7-0 advantage on an 80-yard touchdown pass from Kerry Collins to Amani Toomer. The Video Giants, led by Will's masterful coaching, never looked back en route to a decisive 35-21 victory. "This is bullshit," commented Chuck in a losing effort.

You both have such strong and distinctive narrative voices. Who are your literary inspirations?

Will: The aforementioned Chuck Klosterman. Michael Lewis. Plaxico Burress. Lord Byron.

Chuck: Aside from Will? Mike Lupica and Rick Reilly.

Favorite movie?

Will: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Chuck: Close call between Godfather III and Medellin.

Favorite TV show?

Will: "Will [& Grace]"

Chuck: "Chuck"

I knew my life would never be the same when...

Will:

...I composed and performed a song called "iRap" for an advertising class during my senior year of college. The subsequent music video was presented to the class as the centerpiece of Apple's new promotional campaign. It was then and there that I realized my theoretical future was not in business, but rather in writing, comedy, and entertainment. To quote rapper/philosopher Bizness Casual - I got 99 problems but a glitch ain't one!

Chuck:

...'N Sync released the classic album No Strings Attached in 2000. Oh. My Gawd.

Strengths/skills...?

Will
Speed/quickness/athletics
Handsome
Rock Band 2

Chuck
Ranting
Raving
Not updating his blog

Weaknesses?

Will
N/A

Chuck
Talking to girls
AP Physics
Updating his blog

Ok, important question. Let's say we consider you to be boyfriend material. What are your turn-ons?

Will
Flowering meadows
Rivers flowing of chocolate
Children dancing and laughing and playing with gumdrop smiles

Chuck
Chad Pennington
Jamie-Lynn Sigler
Chad Pennington

Turn-offs?

Will
Fantasy baseball owners who don't respond to trade offers
Turmoil in the workplace
People that brutally murder jokes

Chuck
Alex Rodriguez
Turtle from "Entourage"
Self-hating Jets fans

Final question: I respect my counterpart because...

Will:

...Chuck injects all his endeavors with unrivaled passion and unshakeable conviction. Quiet and unassuming, he knows how to artfully temper his thoughts with salient, authoritative insight, as well as fearless trust in his comedic instincts. Chuck demonstrates a rare ability to balance his professional responsibilities with his creative aspirations, and he understands the importance of surrounding one's self with vibrant and capable individuals...such as myself.

Chuck:

...because I'm contractually obligated to say something nice. Boom. Roasted.

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Thank you for your time. I think we can all agree that this has been educational. Keep the faith and stay tuned.

Shirley. OUT.

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