How to ...Kill Superman

When I woke up just after dawn on September 28, 1928, I certainly didn't plan to revolutionize all medicine by discovering the world's first antibiotic, or bacteria killer. But I guess that was exactly what I did.

- Alexander Fleming

History has taught us that some of our greatest achievements were accomplished by mistake. In the case of Mr. Fleming, the brilliant though absent-minded biologist accidentally forgot to enclose staphylococci (pronounced staff-feel-your-COCK-hard) culture dishes before going on vacation. When he returned, the dishes were contaminated by fungus and Fleming was resigned to discard them. Shortly thereafter, however, he observed that the fungus actually had an anti-bacterial effect. Further research resulted in the medical application and production of penicillin, which remains one of the most widely used antibiotic agents in the world.

In addition to penicillin, some of society's most famous inventions were discovered unintentionally: Post-it notes, super glue, the popsicle, etc. Clearly, necessity is not the mother of invention (it's more like the adoptive parent); indeed, sometimes our best moments of clarity are completely serendipitous. Under similar circumstances, I recently figured out how to destroy Superman. This revelation happened during an acid trip, so you know it's legit.

Far be it from me to brag, but it's the perfect crime and it can be summarized in two words: Kryptonite. Balls.

Here are the essentials:

- One man
- Moral and sexual flexibility
- Chiseled good looks
- Charm
- Full medical coverage
- $3,500
- Functional scrotum

Phase 1: Get the ball(s) rolling

Like all leading members of the medical community, I'm aware of a nascent cosmetic procedure known as implantation of testicular prostheses. You read that correctly.

As this article illustrates, testicular implants require a simple cost-effective out-patient procedure under general anesthesia. HOWEVAH, instead of inserting the standard gel implants, you would have your testicles surgically replaced by spherical kryptonite implants.

For those unfamiliar, kryponite is the one element that weakens Superman and, if deployed strategically, could be fatal. The viability of kryptonite balls producing kryptonite-flavored semen has sparked extensive scientific debate without any consensus.

As you could imagine, this plot involves pressing ethical dilemmas, so convincing the surgeon to cooperate might involve some bribery, violent persuasian, and political favor. You must be prepared to do whatever it takes. When it comes to murdering The Man of Steel, you have to play dirty.

Finally, if collecting funds becomes problematic (estimated cost: $3,500) then it would be advisible to contact an independent financer. Someone who has designs on world domination and wants Superman dead. Someone who specializes in futuristic weaponry and has access to kryptonite resources. Someone like Lex Luthor.

Phase 2: Seduce Superman

Easier said than done ...but no one suggested this would be easy. If you don't have the game to sweep Superman off his feet and subsequently kill him (otherwise known as The Patrick Bateman), then go frolick with that ultra-sensitive pussy Spiderman.

So here's the question: How do you impress The Man of Tomorrow? How do you strike his fancy? How do you lure him to the dark side? I don't have the answers to these questions, but I imagine it starts with a thick juicy steak, a sophisticated bottle of wine, and some good conversation.

After a successful courtship, your relationship will blossom into a torrid sexual encounter. Your next move will be critical - only a very specific assortment of well-executed bedroom tactics can complete the job.

Before you do anything, activate your iTunes and play Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran. The vintage New Wave synth-pop will establish a free-spirited ambiance that screams, "Hey! We're two responsible adults. We enjoy each other's company and we're here to party! Judge not, lest ye be judged."

Skip the foreplay and proceed to business time. Once your genitals are exposed, you have to act quickly. Superman will be instantly weakened by the presence of your kryptonite balls; hopefully he will be too infatuated by an exciting new love to notice his declining physical state.

Carefully and forcefully encourage Superman to perform fellatio. Judging by his super powers, he can probably trigger an orgasm within five seconds. I recommend masturbating in advance, thereby desensitizing your arousal level and buying an additional 30-90 seconds.

With the toxic testicles resting on his dimpled chin, Superman's jaw will painfully implode, leaving him unable to cry for help, blow his rape whistle, or use his sub-zero freeze breathe. Along those lines, if he delicately fondles your stepchildren, his hands will shatter and he won't be able to capably engage in fisticuffs.

Conversly, you could administer the fabled but elusive Arabian Eye Goggles. While Superman would be able to speak, you would burn his eyes out and render him blind. More important, he would be prevented from using his deadly heat vision.

In any case, the kryptonite balls will leave him helplessly vulnerable and at your mercy. In the tradition of Mortal Kombat, FINISH HIM. Fatality.

Phase 3: Profit

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Of course, this plan presupposes (1) Superman is gay or bi-curious, and (2) you want to kill him. Both points are controversial, and I'll address them separately.

First, in popluar culture we are led to believe that Superman was raised in Smallville, Kansas as a red-blooded heterosexual American man with midwestern sensibilities and a strong moral compass. He led a normal life until he uncovered his super powers and the truth about his origin. According to legend, Kryptonians become more powerful as they get closer to Earth's yellow sun. This explains why Kal-El was an unspectacular infant on the planet Krypton, yet in our corner of the solar system he's Superman.

WHAT IF the closer Kryptonians get to the sun, they become not only stronger but also gayer? I know, I know - it's a stretch in logic. Scholars know very little about the genetic orientation of Kryptonians, so any working hypothesis can only be determined on a theoretical/anecdotal basis. Presented in graphical terms:



The null hypothesis states that Superman isn't gay at all and his proximity to the sun has no impact on his sexuality. If that's true, let's explore some sociological factors that might explain Superman's alleged bi-curiosity.

After he moved from Smallville to Metropolis -- the zenith of alternative lifestyles -- perhaps he has changed. Perhaps he's grown weary of the social obstacles than stand between him and Lois Lane. Perhaps the awkward gay subtext with Jimmy Olsen has reached a tipping point. Perhaps the demise of the newspaper industry has forced Daily Planet journalist Clark Kent to explore different avenues for sustenance, such as salacious acts or interent pornography.

With regard to Lois Lane, Mallrats proposed that Superman could not have sex with her because his super-baby would tragically kick through her uterus. To prevent pregancy, "He would have to use a kryptonite condom, which would kill him."

Therefore, if Superman participated in sexual relations with men, he would not need to worry about such devastating reprecussions. Instead, he would have to concern himself with the transferral of sexually transmitted diseases, but, frankly, that's a private discussion between him and his partner (i.e. you). Altogether, even if Superman isn't genetically predisposed to homosexuality, it appears that he has experienced several social motivations to stray from his Smallville upbringing.

Second, why would you want to kill the most iconic mythical hero in our cultural ethos? I have no idea. I won't pretend to know or understand your reasons. Ongoing interest in criminal mastermind activity? Secret crush on Lois Lane? Secret crush on Jimmy Olsen?? Whatever. I'm merely a noble messanger, equipping the world with pertinent information. Use it however you please.

When I woke just after noon on April 12, 2009, I certainly didn't plan to revolutionize all crime-fighting by discovering how to eliminate Superman. But I guess that was exactly what I did.

________________


There you have it: Operation Discreet Scrotal Trojan Horse Surprise. The final piece of the puzzle involves finding the right operative: the man who has the charismatic power and social capital to seduce Superman. There are several qualified candidates, and chosing the best will require an extensive evaluative process.



I nominate Patrick Dempsey.