It was all part of the masterplan...
Monday, February 23, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Feel the Rythm
At 7:15 am this morning, I'll be leaving on a jet plane to Jamaica. Well, that's not completely true. I'll technically be flying to Atlanta, and then boarding a new plane that will (hopefully) arrive in Montego Bay. Experienced travelers like myself generally refer to this process as a "connection" or "layover."
But enough with the esoteric terminology. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey Will, isn't it kinda pathetic that you're going on Spring Break even though you are no longer a college student? Might you be desperately grasping for the comforts of a bygone period in your life? And what the hell are you 'breaking' from anyway?"
All fair points, smart guy. In response, allow me to present a comparative anecdote about someone you possibly know. This person was tall, dark, handsome, and beloved -- just as I was in college. After ascending to the top of his profession, he felt he had nothing left to prove; he had accomplished everything he ever wanted to. Having lost his competitive desire, he kindly decided to retire at the tender age of 30. Under remarkably similar circumstances, I elected to graduate from higher education; however, I was much younger than the man in question -- I happened to conquer life's obstacles by the time I was 21.
After a few years, our humble protagonist redeveloped his passion and boldly stepped out of the shadow of retirement. There was a brief adjustmental period, but the man quickly regained his unparalleled ability and once again reached the zenith of his world. He recaptured the respect of his peers as well as his adversaries. His legions of fans were euphoric, as their icon would forever live in their dreams and memories. Alas, he was not a man; he was larger than life.
That man's name was Michael Jeffrey Jordan. And he parlayed all of his success into a lucrative advertising campaign for Hanes. Today he shares the national spotlight with luminaries such as Kevin Bacon, Charlie Sheen, and Cuba Gooding Jr. (look for him in the upcoming feature, It Comes in Handy!)
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the j-j-j-j-jury, if His Airness can retire from basketball and later return to win another three championships, then I can rekindle my collegiate lifestyle and go to Jamaica for Spring fucking Break. The defense rests. I'll be joining Zen Master, Scottie, Kukoc, Dennis the Menace, Luc Longley, and all the rest. Peace!
[Editor's Note: For the next week, direct all complaints, criticisms, and hate mail to Chuck. Thank you.]
_
But enough with the esoteric terminology. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey Will, isn't it kinda pathetic that you're going on Spring Break even though you are no longer a college student? Might you be desperately grasping for the comforts of a bygone period in your life? And what the hell are you 'breaking' from anyway?"
All fair points, smart guy. In response, allow me to present a comparative anecdote about someone you possibly know. This person was tall, dark, handsome, and beloved -- just as I was in college. After ascending to the top of his profession, he felt he had nothing left to prove; he had accomplished everything he ever wanted to. Having lost his competitive desire, he kindly decided to retire at the tender age of 30. Under remarkably similar circumstances, I elected to graduate from higher education; however, I was much younger than the man in question -- I happened to conquer life's obstacles by the time I was 21.
After a few years, our humble protagonist redeveloped his passion and boldly stepped out of the shadow of retirement. There was a brief adjustmental period, but the man quickly regained his unparalleled ability and once again reached the zenith of his world. He recaptured the respect of his peers as well as his adversaries. His legions of fans were euphoric, as their icon would forever live in their dreams and memories. Alas, he was not a man; he was larger than life.
That man's name was Michael Jeffrey Jordan. And he parlayed all of his success into a lucrative advertising campaign for Hanes. Today he shares the national spotlight with luminaries such as Kevin Bacon, Charlie Sheen, and Cuba Gooding Jr. (look for him in the upcoming feature, It Comes in Handy!)
Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the j-j-j-j-jury, if His Airness can retire from basketball and later return to win another three championships, then I can rekindle my collegiate lifestyle and go to Jamaica for Spring fucking Break. The defense rests. I'll be joining Zen Master, Scottie, Kukoc, Dennis the Menace, Luc Longley, and all the rest. Peace!
[Editor's Note: For the next week, direct all complaints, criticisms, and hate mail to Chuck. Thank you.]
_
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Working Title
The state of Hollywood troubles me. Aside from the tireless assembly line of shameless remakes, the caliber of film seemingly declines each year. It's not that surprising; movies are a reflection of the society that watches them. There's a positive relationship between cinematic quality and public standards.
For example, the top movie at the box office is He's Just Not That Into You (scroll down to read Chuck's impassioned review), which has grossed something like $60 million and counting. I haven't seen it and probably won't see it in the near future, but I'd be willing to bet Chuck's authentic Wayne Chrebet jersey that it's beyond terrible.
Nonetheless, I'm equally certain that a sizable contingent -- quite possibly larger than the group of detractors -- absolutely loved it. Loved it so much that they activated their mobile phones and enthusiastically added it to 'Favorite Movies' on Facebook before the credits rolled. I can understand why: never has a movie been so intently aware of its target demographic and the surrounding technological culture. As a result, He's Just Not That Into You is less of a film and more of a carefully crafted post-modern marketing vehicle. The filmmakers might as well have named the characters after the actors who played them.
I'm not the first person to suggest that Hollywood's artistic integrity has been compromised by commercial endeavors; however, a negative trend exists and He's Just Not That Into You has authoritatively raised the bar (or lowered the bar, depending on your perspective). Enough, I say. Hey, you wouldn't let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz?! Yeeeeaaaah.
With the future of American cinema hanging in the balance, I'm here to rescue Hollywood from its own self-inflicted demise by injecting fresh blood into the creative collective. Listed below are award-winning movie concepts that will undoubtedly fill the seats with eager audiences and line the studios' pockets with money...
Movies that should be being made
Jackie Offerman is a masseuse who hates misogynists; she's a neo-feminist who loves Drew Barrymore, despises Drew Carey, and merely tolerates Nancy Drew. Her abusive alcoholic father demands that she become a cheerleader. "Pretty girls become cheerleaders and date football stars," he snarls while "Jack and Diane" plays in the background. Jackie has other plans. She aspires to become the finest massuese in the world, touching people's souls when she touches their bodies.
She moves to New York to chase her dreams, but there's one BIG raging mega-huge problem: she refuses to finish the proverbial job, much to the dissatisfaction of her male clients. That's right, men (BOOOOOOOOO!) -- the same species that borishly marginalized her ambitions and thoughtlessly tried to force her into antiquated social roles. Jackie quickly learns that in a male-dominated world, you cannot get ahead if you won't do the flirty work and the dirty work.
Just when the world seems totally unforgiving, Jackie meets Nicki, a disgraced celebrity masseuse who insists on taking Jackie under her wing. Around the same time, Jackie begins dating Duracell, a charming and intellectual black man. He possesses a controlled sensitivity that makes her reconsider her previous disdain of men (BOOOOOOOOOOOO!).
Over in the massage parlor, Nicki reveals a plethora of effective techniques, notably the fabled but elusive Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yet an embarrassing secret -- the same secret that inspired Nicki's premature ejection from the industry -- threatens their friendship. Can Jackie swallow her pride, conquer her fear, and rise to the top of the masseuse profession? Will she and Nicki resolve their differences? Will Duracell be anything more than a forgettable token character?
It's a coming-of-age tale that teaches us to overcome the hardest challenges, especially when they're staring straight at us. After all, even the saddest of beginnings deserve the happiest of endings.
(Coyote Ugly x 10 Things I Hate About You x Karate Kid) / (The Next Karate Kid + Sex and Lucia)
Working title: It Comes in Handy
Alternative title: Handle with Care
Tagline: Grab life by the horn(s).
Starring
Katherine Heigl as Jackie Offerman
Carmen Electra as Nicki Cummings
Cuba Gooding Jr. as Duracell the sensitive boyfriend
and co-starring Nic Cage as Sal the abusive father
__________
This next premise was engineered by our old friend/co-worker/confidant Ted, who once upon a time teamed up with Chuck and myself to form a champion Jeopardy trio at The Academy. I apologize if I mixed up the particulars and over-dramatized the rest.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
Former CIA Agent Joltin' John Kilpatrick turned in his badge and his gun for a white collar and a backstage pass to Heaven. He no longer wants to dedicate his life to the criminal underworld. Father John would rather be an agent of God.
...the courage to change the things I can...
Shortly after joining the priesthood, Father John gets assigned to a small church in Canon, Louisianna. Everything seems normal. A little tooooooo normal. Deep beneath the surface of the church lies a dark, disturbing reality: the order of nuns are not sweet daughters of divinity, but rather heartless evildoers who use their clergy status to pollute the masses. Assassins that kill for money (and for sport). Drug-dealers that sling rocks for money (but not for sport). Kidnappers that abduct schoolchildren (for neither money nor sport but for staffing purposes). And, worst of all, anyone who enters the church has too options: (1) drink the Kool-Aid and join the operation, or (2) refuse to conform and ...die.
...and the wisdom to know the difference ... [COCKS SHOTGUN] ... Amen.
Father John just chose option number 2, but he has intelligent designs on living. He has to stop the Twisted Sisters. He's not gonna take it. No - he ain't gonna take it. He's not gonna take it ... anymore. In the name of the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.
The story culminates in an epic showdown between Father John and the sinister nuns. One man against an empire. Prepare for a deliriously violent battle sequence that makes Shoot 'Em Up look like Bring It On Again. Father John must gun down all of his enemies in order to achieve salvation and restore the eternal virtue of the church. Pray for us all.
Sister Act [Hot Fuzz (Sister Act 2 / Doubt)] + (Scarface x Kill Bill / The Da Vinci Code + Boondock Saints)
Working title: Bad Habits
Tagline: Nun the wiser.
Starring
Nic Cage as Father John Kilpatrick
Sharon Stone as Sister Hellen (Evil Nun #1)
Madonna as Sister Christian (Evil Nun #2)
Danity Kane as Twisted Sisters (Evil Nuns #3-7)
with Whoopi Goldberg as Herself
and Morgan Freeman as God
__________
The years of solitude and immortality have taken their toll on Dracula; he's demoralized, bitter, and alone. Blood has never tasted so ...isolating.
Struggling with the mid-life crisis, Dracula decides he wants to become cool and hip and fetch. He travels from Transylvania to Southern California and attempts to undertake the hippest, coolest, and fetchest activity there is: surfing. Cowabunga!
The quirky local crowd makes fun, laughing at Dracula's pale complexion, one-piece bathing suit, and SPF-40,000 sun tan lotion. The ocean hasn't seen teeth like that since Jaws. But Dracula masters the art of surfing, rides giants, wins over his naysayers, gets the girl, and reconnects with his long-lost daughter ... only to find out that she's in love with his dreamy surf instructor. Uh oh!
It's a slapstick romantic comedy that shows that adventurousness can wipe out centuries-old sadness. With the right mindset, the enchanting Pacific waters can revitalize anyone, including history's most controversial outcast.
(Interview with a Vampire + American Beauty) / Blue Crush.
Working title: Fang 10
Alternative title: Pretty Fly for a Bite Guy
Tagline: Surf's up!
Starring
Nic Cage as Dracula
Paul Walker as Stroker the surf instructor
Hayden Panettierre as Long-Lost Dracula Offspring
with Vin Diesel as Frankenstein
and Nic Cage as Abraham Van Helsing
[Editor's Note: This post was submitted via Drew Barrymore's iPhone.]
_
For example, the top movie at the box office is He's Just Not That Into You (scroll down to read Chuck's impassioned review), which has grossed something like $60 million and counting. I haven't seen it and probably won't see it in the near future, but I'd be willing to bet Chuck's authentic Wayne Chrebet jersey that it's beyond terrible.
Nonetheless, I'm equally certain that a sizable contingent -- quite possibly larger than the group of detractors -- absolutely loved it. Loved it so much that they activated their mobile phones and enthusiastically added it to 'Favorite Movies' on Facebook before the credits rolled. I can understand why: never has a movie been so intently aware of its target demographic and the surrounding technological culture. As a result, He's Just Not That Into You is less of a film and more of a carefully crafted post-modern marketing vehicle. The filmmakers might as well have named the characters after the actors who played them.
I'm not the first person to suggest that Hollywood's artistic integrity has been compromised by commercial endeavors; however, a negative trend exists and He's Just Not That Into You has authoritatively raised the bar (or lowered the bar, depending on your perspective). Enough, I say. Hey, you wouldn't let a clown fix a leak in the john. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz?! Yeeeeaaaah.
With the future of American cinema hanging in the balance, I'm here to rescue Hollywood from its own self-inflicted demise by injecting fresh blood into the creative collective. Listed below are award-winning movie concepts that will undoubtedly fill the seats with eager audiences and line the studios' pockets with money...
Movies that should be being made
Jackie Offerman is a masseuse who hates misogynists; she's a neo-feminist who loves Drew Barrymore, despises Drew Carey, and merely tolerates Nancy Drew. Her abusive alcoholic father demands that she become a cheerleader. "Pretty girls become cheerleaders and date football stars," he snarls while "Jack and Diane" plays in the background. Jackie has other plans. She aspires to become the finest massuese in the world, touching people's souls when she touches their bodies.
She moves to New York to chase her dreams, but there's one BIG raging mega-huge problem: she refuses to finish the proverbial job, much to the dissatisfaction of her male clients. That's right, men (BOOOOOOOOO!) -- the same species that borishly marginalized her ambitions and thoughtlessly tried to force her into antiquated social roles. Jackie quickly learns that in a male-dominated world, you cannot get ahead if you won't do the flirty work and the dirty work.Just when the world seems totally unforgiving, Jackie meets Nicki, a disgraced celebrity masseuse who insists on taking Jackie under her wing. Around the same time, Jackie begins dating Duracell, a charming and intellectual black man. He possesses a controlled sensitivity that makes her reconsider her previous disdain of men (BOOOOOOOOOOOO!).
Over in the massage parlor, Nicki reveals a plethora of effective techniques, notably the fabled but elusive Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yet an embarrassing secret -- the same secret that inspired Nicki's premature ejection from the industry -- threatens their friendship. Can Jackie swallow her pride, conquer her fear, and rise to the top of the masseuse profession? Will she and Nicki resolve their differences? Will Duracell be anything more than a forgettable token character?
It's a coming-of-age tale that teaches us to overcome the hardest challenges, especially when they're staring straight at us. After all, even the saddest of beginnings deserve the happiest of endings.
(Coyote Ugly x 10 Things I Hate About You x Karate Kid) / (The Next Karate Kid + Sex and Lucia)
Working title: It Comes in Handy
Alternative title: Handle with Care
Tagline: Grab life by the horn(s).
Starring
Katherine Heigl as Jackie Offerman
Carmen Electra as Nicki Cummings
Cuba Gooding Jr. as Duracell the sensitive boyfriend
and co-starring Nic Cage as Sal the abusive father
__________
This next premise was engineered by our old friend/co-worker/confidant Ted, who once upon a time teamed up with Chuck and myself to form a champion Jeopardy trio at The Academy. I apologize if I mixed up the particulars and over-dramatized the rest.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...
Former CIA Agent Joltin' John Kilpatrick turned in his badge and his gun for a white collar and a backstage pass to Heaven. He no longer wants to dedicate his life to the criminal underworld. Father John would rather be an agent of God.
...the courage to change the things I can...
Shortly after joining the priesthood, Father John gets assigned to a small church in Canon, Louisianna. Everything seems normal. A little tooooooo normal. Deep beneath the surface of the church lies a dark, disturbing reality: the order of nuns are not sweet daughters of divinity, but rather heartless evildoers who use their clergy status to pollute the masses. Assassins that kill for money (and for sport). Drug-dealers that sling rocks for money (but not for sport). Kidnappers that abduct schoolchildren (for neither money nor sport but for staffing purposes). And, worst of all, anyone who enters the church has too options: (1) drink the Kool-Aid and join the operation, or (2) refuse to conform and ...die....and the wisdom to know the difference ... [COCKS SHOTGUN] ... Amen.
Father John just chose option number 2, but he has intelligent designs on living. He has to stop the Twisted Sisters. He's not gonna take it. No - he ain't gonna take it. He's not gonna take it ... anymore. In the name of the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.
The story culminates in an epic showdown between Father John and the sinister nuns. One man against an empire. Prepare for a deliriously violent battle sequence that makes Shoot 'Em Up look like Bring It On Again. Father John must gun down all of his enemies in order to achieve salvation and restore the eternal virtue of the church. Pray for us all.
Sister Act [Hot Fuzz (Sister Act 2 / Doubt)] + (Scarface x Kill Bill / The Da Vinci Code + Boondock Saints)
Working title: Bad Habits
Tagline: Nun the wiser.
Starring
Nic Cage as Father John Kilpatrick
Sharon Stone as Sister Hellen (Evil Nun #1)
Madonna as Sister Christian (Evil Nun #2)
Danity Kane as Twisted Sisters (Evil Nuns #3-7)
with Whoopi Goldberg as Herself
and Morgan Freeman as God
__________
The years of solitude and immortality have taken their toll on Dracula; he's demoralized, bitter, and alone. Blood has never tasted so ...isolating.
Struggling with the mid-life crisis, Dracula decides he wants to become cool and hip and fetch. He travels from Transylvania to Southern California and attempts to undertake the hippest, coolest, and fetchest activity there is: surfing. Cowabunga!The quirky local crowd makes fun, laughing at Dracula's pale complexion, one-piece bathing suit, and SPF-40,000 sun tan lotion. The ocean hasn't seen teeth like that since Jaws. But Dracula masters the art of surfing, rides giants, wins over his naysayers, gets the girl, and reconnects with his long-lost daughter ... only to find out that she's in love with his dreamy surf instructor. Uh oh!
It's a slapstick romantic comedy that shows that adventurousness can wipe out centuries-old sadness. With the right mindset, the enchanting Pacific waters can revitalize anyone, including history's most controversial outcast.
(Interview with a Vampire + American Beauty) / Blue Crush.
Working title: Fang 10
Alternative title: Pretty Fly for a Bite Guy
Tagline: Surf's up!
Starring
Nic Cage as Dracula
Paul Walker as Stroker the surf instructor
Hayden Panettierre as Long-Lost Dracula Offspring
with Vin Diesel as Frankenstein
and Nic Cage as Abraham Van Helsing
[Editor's Note: This post was submitted via Drew Barrymore's iPhone.]
_
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Boom! Roasted!: The Cast of "He's Just Not That Into You" Edition
For the most part, I've kept pretty quiet about my disdain for "He's Just Not that into You" in the past two weeks. All the while, it has been performing extremely well at the box office including a debut at #1 in its opening weekend. Lately, though, I've heard about more people seeing the movie, and quite frankly, I can't take it anymore. It probably boils down to me just not fully understanding the opposite sex, I mean, after all, I saw "Rocky Balboa" on opening night. What bothers me is that there are five best picture nominees currently playing, and that doesn't even include films like "Gran Torino" and "The Wrestler." So, why would anyone choose to pay $10.50 to see this piece of garbage? I just don't know...So, the question remains, what can I do about it? There is only one answer, and that answer is to welcome the cast of He's just not that into you to the premiere edition of a new recurring feature here at SYCBS called "Boom! Roasted!" It is only right that I steal an idea from The Office and apply it to the cast of a movie that was actually directed by one of The Office's best directors, Ken Kwapis. Furthermore, Boom! Roasted! will allow me to say mean things about people I don't actually know in a playful way because really, that's what blogging is all about right? So without further ado, I welcome you to Boom! Roasted!: The Cast of "He's Just Not That Into You" Edition.
Ginnifer Goodwin: I had to look up your IMDB page just to find out who you were. Everyone hated you in Walk the Line, and nobody watches Big Love. Boom. Roasted.
Bradley Cooper: I like crab cakes and football, but not you. Michael Jordan was funnier hosting SNL than you were. Boom. Roasted.
Jennifer Connelly: You followed up Blood Diamond with The Day The Earth Stood Still and this piece of crap. Also, Celebrity Sleuth named you the #14 Sexiest Woman..... 0f 1993. Boom. Roasted.
Justin Long: You're not the next Vince Vaughn, I wouldn't date Drew Barrymore, and everyone thinks you're gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). Boom. Roasted.
Scarlett Johansson: You were in Home Alone 3. Boom. Roasted.
Kevin Connolly: Nobody would watch Entourage without Jeremy Piven. I thought you were dying and the Make-A-Wish foundation intervened when I heard about your Golden Globe nomination. TGI Friday's no longer has booster seats. Nicky Hilton. Boom. Roasted.
Drew Barrymore: Your last 3 movies: Music and Lyrics. Beverly Hills Chihuahua, He's just not that into you. You should know that Adam Sandler has taken you off his buddy list. Also, you deserved Glenn Gulia. Boom. Roasted.
Ben Affleck: The two most precious things in your life, Matt Damon and the city of Boston, both pretend not to know you anymore. Boom. Roasted.
Jennifer Aniston: Angelin... I can't. You're awesome. What are you doing with these losers?
Clip of the Day (02/17/09)
From this weekend's new episode of Family Guy. This was great. It reminded me of the old "Fun with Real Audio" on SNL. Peter's last line is exceptional, and I agree with him.
Quote of the Day (02/17/09)
"And if I ever see you or him again, it will be unpleasant for the both of you" -- Sayid Jarrah to Ben and Jack. LOST: This Place is Death.
Yes, this is a blatant excuse for me to talk about LOST, but I promise to limit it to just this quote. If I was face-to-face with Sayid, the first question that I would ask and yes, I am quoting Michael Scott, would be "What gives you the right?" While we don't know exactly why Sayid is no longer working for Ben, it's not a stretch to believe that Ben screwed him over royally. Ben has a tendency to do that. Popular opinion seems to be that Ben was actually the one behind Sayid's wife, Nadia's death. I'm not ruling this out, but I'm not so sure about that. While Ben is obviously not above playing puppet master with the emotions of the Oceanic 6 (see: His paternity suit against Kate), I don't think he would've had Nadia killed simply because if Sayid knew such a thing, Ben would've been killed a long time ago. There's no evidence that Sayid's thirst for blood has diminished (see: Dishwasher with knives facing up). I tend to think that Sayid's hatred for Ben stems from Sayid finding out that Ben falsely blamed Widmore's crew for Nadia's death in an effort to get Sayid to kill a bunch of people OR because Sayid knows that Ben killed Locke. HOWEVER, I'm not getting into that now.
My problem with the aforementioned quote is Sayid has no business talking to Jack like that. NONE. Now, I'm sure people who know me well will simply dismiss this as my love for Jack blinding me to reality and making me more bias than I've been since someone asked me who I thought was the better quarterback, Chad or Eli? That is not the case, and to all of you who are thinking that, check out the picture and remember that Sayid tortured your loverboy Sawyer back in season one.
That's exactly my problem with Sayid saying that to Jack. Sayid has tortured many men and women whether it be in his days in the Iraqi National Guard or on the Island, and he's killed his fair share of them too. He's even killed because Ben has told him to. So knowing he's done all of that, he really has the audacity to threaten Jack because he is working with Ben to get back to the Island. Sayid, you've already worked for Ben, and you killed in his name. All Jack is doing is trying to get people together by doing smaller things like you know, helping to save you from those comma-inducing arrows. Get a grip Sayid! Just because you have an accent doesn't mean you are intelligent. Why don't you get off your high horse and warn Jack or do anything besides stand there with that stupid look on your face while spouting vague information like "they want you to believe it was a suicide" or "the only side that man is on is his own"? I'm starting to think Shannon was the brains of that relationship.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Clip of the Day (2/14/09)
Consider this a Valentine's Day gift from me to you. Although the clip stands on its own and has been ridiculed in every imagineable form of media, I'd still like to provide some background information.
Last year, part-time reality star and full-time romantic Corey Feldman set the world aflame by serenading his wife with the most heartfelt ballad since 'N Sync's "God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You." Thankfully, A&E's cameras were rolling.
As the video illustrates, Mrs. Feldman carefully wanders poolside along a trail of pink and red balloons to find Corey and a mini-orchestra waiting for her. He's wearing a tuxedo that he must have borrowed from mid-period MC Hammer (coincidentally, Hammer is now an ordained minister and presided over their wedding during the filming of The Surreal Life). Corey locks eyes with his wife and nervous energy permeates throughout his 5'3 frame.
After a brief piano intro, the strings kick in and Corey delivers the vocals with a level of passion rivaled only by Steve Perry. The song itself features a triumph in lyrical craftsmenship, particularly the line, "You bring the stars up to the moon / When you leave you're gone too soon." There's no question -- Corey has the unlikely combination of Chris Carrabba's sensitivity and Andrew Ridgely's soulfulness.
The air thickens with love, and -- like all great performers -- Corey senses the moment. What happens next is what we in the biz like to call TV Magic: at the 1:25 mark, Corey turns up the intensity, gets face-to-face with his girl, and aggressively belts out "Dip dip da-do-da I LOVE YOU!" The sentiment can only be described as (a) euphoric, (b) cringe-inducing, and (c) groin-grabbingly poignant.
God bless Corey Feldman. The man is an artist, and he has no problem doing Cupid's work. His wife is a lucky woman.
The couple separated on January 18, 2009.
_
Friday, February 13, 2009
Garry Buckman-Lampkin: The Adult Years
During a brief visit to Queens that included access to a glorious myriad of movie channels, I stumbled across one of my favorites, Parenthood. In terms of comedy-dramas that explore domestic challenges with an optimistic but honest perspective, this film was ahead of its time. Before 1989, you probably didn't witness many scenes that culminated with a middle-aged woman's vibrator being accidentally revealed in a room full of children. Oh Ron Howard, you visionary comic genius!
The ensemble cast was headlined by Steve Martin, Dianne Wiest, Mary Steenburgen, Rick Moranis, and Jason Robards (who, beginning with this role, embarked upon the Reflective Curmudgeon phase of his career). But the most fascinating character might have been Garry, Wiest's distant and secretive 13-year old son.
Throughout the opening act, we see Garry quietly retreating to his room, ignoring overtures that inquire about his personal well-being, padlocking his door, and protectively carrying around a paper bag of tenebrous association. Basically, he's pretty fucked up -- in no small part because his father abandoned the family for a new woman.
As the plot unfolds, we learn that the mysterious paper bag contains a healthy collection of porno tapes (not drugs, to his mother's relief), and Garry has been jerking off as if there's no tomorrow. Fortunately, he finds a positive male influence in his older sister's dimwitted boyfriend Todd (appropriately played by Keanu Reeves, who was still in the Ted Theodore Logan phase of his career). Garry receives much-needed assurance that his behavior is perfectly normal: "That's what little...dudes...do," explains Keanu, before going to band practice with the Wild Stallions.
Garry was portrayed by a precocious young actor named Leaf Phoenix, who had changed his name to "Leaf" perhaps to align himself with his older brother, River Phoenix. Of course, shortly after filming Parenthood he reverted back to his birth name -- the name you're more likely to recognize -- Joaquin Phoenix. That's two-time Academy Award Nominee Joaquin Phoenix.
Anyway, I've often wondered how Garry would have turned out if his character arc didn't require him to overcome his pubescent confusion with the improbable help of Keanu. Would he have been aloof and disinterested as an adult? Defensive, creepy, and generally unkempt? Inexplicably BFF's with Casey Affleck?? It was a compelling hypothetical. And with Joaquin Phoenix's surreal retirement announcement, burgeoning hip-hop career, and bizarre appearance on David Letterman, I finally have my answer.
[Editor's Note: Joaquin Phoenix retired from acting to pursue a career in music, NOT to masturbate incessantly in his bedroom. Keanu Reeves could not be reached (around) for comment.]
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Unassorted Thoughts
Welcome, what is up? Here's what I'M burning on...
On Wednesday, Roberto Alomar's ex-girlfriend filed a lawsuit alleging that Alomar conveniently forgot to wear his Gold Glove: during their relationship, he apparently insisted on having unprotected sex despite his being HIV positive. Yes, I know -- it's hard to believe that the same philanthropist who once spit in the face of an umpire would demonstrate such flagrant indiscretion in the bedroom. On the bright side, at least Robbie receives a temporary reprieve from the clubhouse whispers that once accused him of, you know, hitting to the opposite field.
The lesson: Roberto Alomar is a selfish lover.
In other baseball news, I find no pleasure in piling on the A-Roid bandwagon. If anything, the latest chapter in the steroid saga proves that all fans live in glass houses. After all, if the highest-profile player of his generation was guilty of using performance enhancers, then chances are some of the best players on your favorite team were involved as well.
Let's take Mike Piazza, for example. The hero of my youth, Piazza was a 62nd round draft pick who was only selected because Tommy LaSorda was doing a favor for his father. Five years later, Mr. Hetereosexual improbably burst onto the national scene with a sensational Rookie of the Year campaign and an even more sensational fu manchu.
Over the next decade, Piazza cemented himself as the best offensive catcher in the history of baseball. Somewhat suspicious, right? PED usage might also explain why he had mysterious muscle injuries later in his career while his performance in the field declined to the point where he resembled Robert De Niro at the end of Bang the Drum Slowly. Just sayin'.
The lesson: "Loosey Goosey" will be the most overused fantasy baseball team name of 2009.
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." Among those disappointed parties will be Mike Francesa, who reportedly had quite the humbling Super Bowl experience. According to Howard Stern and corroborated by Chris Russo, Francesa felt he was the biggest broadcaster (in terms of personality, not girth) at the event and therefore too important to attend Radio Row, a pre-arranged meeting area for players and media members. Instead, Francesa rented out a nearby hotel lobby, expecting the players to walk eight blocks just to interview with him. Not surprisingly (or perhaps predictably), nobody showed up.
The lesson: The smaller the mind the greater the conceit.
Newest addition to the ever-expanding list of Worst Ideas Ever: ranked slightly ahead of 'Prohibition' and right behind 'Blazers draft Sam Bowie,' we now have the DOA remake of Bonnie & Clyde. Your stars? None other than Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers (of Air Bud fame ... no, seriously), an onscreen couple that shall henceforth be known as Box Office Poison.
Although the escalating feud between Faye Dunaway and Lizzy Maguire offers it's own self-perpetuating amusement, the oversaturation of remakes is just so utterly disheartening. Hollywood has it all wrong. The studios would have you believe that remaking a film serves as an homage original. In truth, it's no different than making an "homage" to Heath Ledger by digging up his lifeless body and reenacting scenes from Brokeback Mountain.
Sure, it makes perfect sense financially to repackage old classics and generate millions of dollars; people are stupid, so it's basically free money. From an artistic standpoint, however, it's completely backwards. Instead of bastardizing beloved material, remake the bad movies that had potential to be excellent. I'd rather see Universal take another shot at Waterworld (or something comparably awful) than bear witness to the atrocity of Godfather Remastered, starring Nic Cage as Don Corleone, Jerry Ferrara as Michael, Jon Bon Jovi as Sonny, Ralph Macchio as Fredo, Hayden Christensen as Tom Hagen, Horatio Sanz as Clemenza, Zac Efron as Jonny Fontane, and John Cena as Luca Brasi.
And yes, I engineered that Godfather hypothetical with the sole purpose of causing Chuck's head to explode.
The lesson: Nothing is sacred.
_
On Wednesday, Roberto Alomar's ex-girlfriend filed a lawsuit alleging that Alomar conveniently forgot to wear his Gold Glove: during their relationship, he apparently insisted on having unprotected sex despite his being HIV positive. Yes, I know -- it's hard to believe that the same philanthropist who once spit in the face of an umpire would demonstrate such flagrant indiscretion in the bedroom. On the bright side, at least Robbie receives a temporary reprieve from the clubhouse whispers that once accused him of, you know, hitting to the opposite field.
The lesson: Roberto Alomar is a selfish lover.
In other baseball news, I find no pleasure in piling on the A-Roid bandwagon. If anything, the latest chapter in the steroid saga proves that all fans live in glass houses. After all, if the highest-profile player of his generation was guilty of using performance enhancers, then chances are some of the best players on your favorite team were involved as well.
Let's take Mike Piazza, for example. The hero of my youth, Piazza was a 62nd round draft pick who was only selected because Tommy LaSorda was doing a favor for his father. Five years later, Mr. Hetereosexual improbably burst onto the national scene with a sensational Rookie of the Year campaign and an even more sensational fu manchu.Over the next decade, Piazza cemented himself as the best offensive catcher in the history of baseball. Somewhat suspicious, right? PED usage might also explain why he had mysterious muscle injuries later in his career while his performance in the field declined to the point where he resembled Robert De Niro at the end of Bang the Drum Slowly. Just sayin'.
The lesson: "Loosey Goosey" will be the most overused fantasy baseball team name of 2009.
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." Among those disappointed parties will be Mike Francesa, who reportedly had quite the humbling Super Bowl experience. According to Howard Stern and corroborated by Chris Russo, Francesa felt he was the biggest broadcaster (in terms of personality, not girth) at the event and therefore too important to attend Radio Row, a pre-arranged meeting area for players and media members. Instead, Francesa rented out a nearby hotel lobby, expecting the players to walk eight blocks just to interview with him. Not surprisingly (or perhaps predictably), nobody showed up.
The lesson: The smaller the mind the greater the conceit.
Newest addition to the ever-expanding list of Worst Ideas Ever: ranked slightly ahead of 'Prohibition' and right behind 'Blazers draft Sam Bowie,' we now have the DOA remake of Bonnie & Clyde. Your stars? None other than Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers (of Air Bud fame ... no, seriously), an onscreen couple that shall henceforth be known as Box Office Poison.
Although the escalating feud between Faye Dunaway and Lizzy Maguire offers it's own self-perpetuating amusement, the oversaturation of remakes is just so utterly disheartening. Hollywood has it all wrong. The studios would have you believe that remaking a film serves as an homage original. In truth, it's no different than making an "homage" to Heath Ledger by digging up his lifeless body and reenacting scenes from Brokeback Mountain.
Sure, it makes perfect sense financially to repackage old classics and generate millions of dollars; people are stupid, so it's basically free money. From an artistic standpoint, however, it's completely backwards. Instead of bastardizing beloved material, remake the bad movies that had potential to be excellent. I'd rather see Universal take another shot at Waterworld (or something comparably awful) than bear witness to the atrocity of Godfather Remastered, starring Nic Cage as Don Corleone, Jerry Ferrara as Michael, Jon Bon Jovi as Sonny, Ralph Macchio as Fredo, Hayden Christensen as Tom Hagen, Horatio Sanz as Clemenza, Zac Efron as Jonny Fontane, and John Cena as Luca Brasi.
And yes, I engineered that Godfather hypothetical with the sole purpose of causing Chuck's head to explode.
The lesson: Nothing is sacred.
_
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